Short answer: 4 things help most with friendship repair in children — Turn, The requirement, The four NOT-MY-KNOT cards, The stuck-release at turn. Each one is below, in order, with how to do it and why it works.
If this sounds like your house, you are not doing anything wrong — it is one of the most common patterns parents describe. Below are 4 small, practicable things that help, each one drawn from published cognitive behavioural work with children.
| What it is | 4 evidence-based steps you can run at home |
| Time per day | about 5 minutes |
What actually helps
Start by noticing what is happening
The four NOT-MY-KNOT cards. When your child draws one of the specially marked ‘NOT-MY-KNOT’ cards, representing ongoing mean comments, an unwanted photo, conditional friendships, or an unsafe secret, guide them through the first two steps of the game. For these cards, they skip the usual checking and repair steps. Instead, ask them to say aloud the name of a grown-up they trust. This helps your child learn that while assertiveness is valuable, it is not always enough for repeated or unsafe peer victimisation or physical aggression. Speaking to a trusted authority figure is a crucial additional strategy. It helps your child identify someone to talk to about what is happening and how they feel, allows an adult to implement environmental changes, avoiding re-evaluating real harms. If your child tries to apply the usual problem-solving steps, gently remind them these ‘NOT-MY-KNOT’ cards are different. Reassure them the goal is to identify a trusted grown-up, not to solve it themselves. If they struggle, suggest examples of trusted adults to help them practice this important step. Why it works: dealing-with-bullying skills — recognising that assertiveness is not always sufficient, and routing repeated or unsafe peer victimisation to a trusted authority figure rather than to a self-managed social response.
Work with the worried thinking
Turn step 2. When your child reads a Knot card, the next step is to help them voice their first thought about it. Prompt them to begin their statement with the specific phrase, “The story in my head is…” For example, if they think, “I can’t do this,” they would say, “The story in my head is I can’t do this.” You can model this when it’s your turn to play. This practice helps your child develop a sense of distance from their thoughts. By framing a thought as “the story in my head,” they can begin to understand that thoughts are not necessarily facts and that they can be transient. This understanding makes it more likely for them to later explore different thoughts and perspectives. Sometimes, a child might just state their thought directly, like “I’m going to fail.” If this happens, gently remind them to add the phrase, “The story in my head is…” before what they just said. This reinforces the idea that it is their current perspective, rather than an unchangeable truth. Why it works: decentering — helping the young person develop a sense of distance from their thoughts and an understanding that thoughts are transient and fluid rather than facts, before any attempt is made to challenge them.
Turn step 3. When it’s time for this step, present your child with one of the six Check-It cards from sheet B. Each card carries a question, such as “What else could explain it?” or “What would someone who wasn’t upset think happened?”. Ask your child to consider their thought and answer the question on the card. For them to proceed and untangle a knot, they must state at least one other thing that could be true about the situation. The cards are designed to prompt, so they only ever provide the question, never an answer. This process encourages your child to look at situations from different angles, which can help make their thinking more adaptable. It supports them in generating alternative thoughts and perspectives when they have a strong belief about something. If your child finds it difficult to come up with another possibility, you can offer two potential options for them to choose between. It is important that your child still voices at least one alternative themselves; the cards and you never provide the definitive answer. Why it works: thought challenging — using perspective-shifting questions so the young person’s belief in the hot thought is shaken and they generate alternative thoughts and perspectives themselves.
Then do something about it
Turn step 4. Help your child practice saying the two I-STATEMENT Repair Move cards. These are found on cut sheet C, page 7. Your child should say each statement out loud, imagining they are speaking directly to the friend in question. The statements are: ‘I felt left out when the seat was saved. I wanted to sit with you.’ and ‘When the joke was about me, I didn’t like it. I want that to stop.’ This practice helps your child learn to recognize their own feelings in a situation. It also teaches them to express how they feel using ‘I’ statements. These statements focus on your child’s own emotions and wants, like ‘I felt’ or ‘I want,’ without criticizing the other person. This approach helps them communicate their needs clearly. A common challenge is for children to accidentally use blaming language, such as ‘You made me feel…’ or ‘You always…’ If this happens, gently guide your child back to using ‘I’ statements. Remind them to focus only on their own feelings and what they want, without making assumptions about or judging the other person’s actions or intentions. Why it works: assertiveness training — telling the other person how you feel using “I” statements that state your own feeling and want without criticising them.
Turn step 4. Help your child practice using the invitation cards to offer to do things with friends, such as walking to class or going to the park. Discuss with them how to accept or decline these invitations in a friendly way. Then, practice using the ‘ON PURPOSE’ delay cards. Explain that these phrases, like ‘I’ll say nothing for now and check in on Friday,’ allow your child to take time to decide on an invitation without immediately saying yes or no. This practice helps your child learn to offer invitations and respond to others in a prosocial manner. It also teaches them to consider if the timing is right before approaching someone with an invitation, and to approach at another time if the current moment is not neutral. A common challenge can be feeling that a delayed response might be misunderstood. If your child hesitates to use the ‘ON PURPOSE’ cards, reassure them that it is a way to communicate they are thinking about it, rather than dismissing the invitation. Remind them that waiting to respond allows them to check in when they feel ready, which is a key part of sustaining friendships. Why it works: friendship skills training — practising prosocial invitations, reading the moment before approaching, and approaching at a later time when now is not the right moment.
Turn step 4. For this step, have your child practice saying the two Curious Question Repair Move cards out loud. These questions, such as “Hey — is everything okay between us?” and “Things felt different today. Did something happen?”, are meant to be spoken as if directly to a friend. This activity helps your child practice interpersonal engagement skills, specifically how to maintain conversations by asking open-ended questions. It also trains them in communication skills, teaching them to send information by speaking and receive information by listening. By rehearsing these questions, your child is learning to gather information from others rather than acting on assumptions. A common challenge might be your child simply reading the words without much thought. To make this practice more effective, encourage them to imagine a specific friend and situation while saying the questions. Remind them that the goal is to ask an open question to understand the other person’s perspective, giving them time to respond, rather than relying on a story they might be telling themselves. Why it works: interpersonal engagement and communication skills training — maintaining a conversation by asking open-ended questions, and receiving information from the other person by listening.
The requirement, printed on how-to-play step 4 and on every. When practicing this step, it is helpful for you to go first. Take a full turn, saying your own story stem and then your own repair line out loud, as if speaking to a friend. Your child will then take their turn, saying their own line out loud. This approach helps your child by first seeing you demonstrate the skill, which is called modeling. Then, when they say their line out loud, they are engaging in behavioral rehearsal, practicing the skill in a safe environment. After your child speaks, offer praise for their effort in saying the words, rather than focusing on the exact wording itself. For instance, you might say, ‘That was great effort in speaking that out loud!’ This helps to build their confidence and encourages them to keep practicing. A common challenge is when a child might mumble or resist saying the line clearly. If this happens, gently prompt them to try saying it a bit louder, reminding them that the effort of speaking it is what matters most right now, not getting every word perfect. Why it works: social skills training by modeling followed by behavioral rehearsal, with praise for effort and constructive feedback.
When to bring in a grown-up
The parent note (page 11) and grown-ups page (page 2). To help your child with coping self-talk, you can model it yourself. When you experience a moment of ordinary stress, quietly say aloud a coping thought. For instance, if you’re feeling frustrated, you might say, “This is tough, but I can handle it one step at a time.” Then, simply leave it at that. This approach allows your child to occasionally observe you using coping strategies for everyday challenges. According to Manassis (2009), children tend to use coping self-talk more consistently when they see their parents doing it. It’s not about instructing or asking your child to use a specific phrase. A common challenge is trying to make this activity directly about a recent argument or to check if your child is using their own coping phrases. Instead, avoid turning it into a negotiation or a discussion about past events. If your child seems unwilling to engage or shows distress, do not push. Getting drawn into a power struggle with a distressed child is often unhelpful, as persuasion is rarely effective in these moments. The goal is to offer a calm example, with less talking and less negative emotion, rather than to enforce or instruct. Why it works: parent coaching — modeling coping oneself rather than instructing, and avoiding power struggles with a distressed child by using less talking and less negative emotion.
The rest of the routine
The stuck-release at turn step 3, which is ONE instruction s. When your child is thinking of different ways to approach a situation, the idea is for them to come up with the solutions themselves. However, if your child becomes stuck and finds it hard to think of alternatives, you can help by offering two different possibilities. For example, you might say, “Could it be X, or could it be Y?” Your child then chooses one of those options, or they might think of an even better third idea based on your suggestions. It is important that your child still says their chosen alternative out loud. This approach is helpful because children sometimes have difficulty brainstorming many ideas on their own. By providing a couple of options, you support their thinking without giving them the answer directly. Presenting choices allows your child to feel empowered by making their own selection and shows that you are working together as a team. A common mistake is for a grown-up to give the child the answer or pick for them. Instead, always offer two options and let your child make the final choice or come up with a new one. Why it works: scaffolded generation with the selection left to the young person — supplying candidate options to a young person who has stalled rather than withholding them, and having the young person choose among two or improve on them.
What to expect
Skills practised when a child is calm are the ones available when a child is not — the first few days are practice, not proof. If distress is intense, persistent, or getting worse, speak to your paediatrician or a licensed mental health professional in your area. A printable is a practice tool, not an assessment.
If you would like this as a ready-made routine
We made a printable version of exactly this sequence.
Kite & Koala printables are made by a mental health professional with a PhD. Built on published CBT research. Educational tool — not a substitute for therapy or medical advice.
Common questions
What age is this for?
These steps are written for children. Younger children need an adult to lead each step and to keep it short; older children in the band can often run most of it themselves once the routine is familiar. Adjust the pace rather than skipping steps.
How long before it helps?
Treat the first week as practice, not proof. Skills rehearsed while a child is calm are the ones available when they are not, so the routine is built on ordinary days and drawn on during hard ones. Consistency matters far more than length.
Do I need to buy anything to try this?
No. Every step above can be done with your voice, your hands and a few minutes. A printable simply saves you from remembering the order and gives the child something concrete to hold, which many families find easier at the end of a long day.
When should I talk to a professional?
If distress is intense, lasts for weeks, gets worse, or stops your child doing ordinary things like school, sleep or seeing friends, speak to your paediatrician or a licensed mental health professional in your area. These activities are practice tools, not an assessment.
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